The In Between
As Within, As Without
A compassionate provocateur and former kink careerist.
The Xia persona revels in truth and beauty, iconic pageantry & hypnotic exchange. Xia embodies dignified etiquette & boundaried protocol towards rituals of devotion and life-affirming celebration.
From 2002 to 2008, Xia was deeply involved in the world of professional domination. In this interview with an old friend, she takes a look at those times. Xia also reflects on her current outlook & explorations.
"Are you a vampire? You look exactly the same," I say.
"Me?," she says with a laugh.
She runs with the metaphor. "No my dear, I'm not afraid of the sunshine. You see, the blood is strong in my veins." Xia looks at her extended arms and laughs again before enveloping me in a warm hug.
Well, it feels like a convergence. A few weeks ago, I had a dream that Xia had come out to play. I thought it intriguing, as my conscious self had not particularly felt the call. Then one of my dearest associates, Ava Noir (who had apprenticed with me back in the day) returned to the City and we had a great time at a holiday party - with her regaling the other guests about our kinky adventures. Within 24 hours, another domina friend (amazing Colette) messaged me with thoughts for the new year. And a former client who has now transitioned to a fully feminine being also reached out. So with all these synchronicities, I suddenly felt that Xia wanted to emerge again.
Not exactly. You know, I tried a few times to put up a FetLife profile but it just didn't feel right. While I have no interest in re-starting a career as a pro domme, I have come to realize that my fetish revolves around the specific parameters of that set-up. I appreciate the formality and decisiveness of the boundaries, the clear delineation of performative persona and temporary roles. Creating a new website is how I began to experiment with this comeback, if you will. I'm endeavoring towards artistic expression, not the hustle.
Indeed. For some time now, I have been working on writing-based ventures and shamanic facilitation. And these fulfill certain aspects of my creative nature. But as soon as I took on Xia again, I felt some neglected dimension of myself awaken. Now I understand why so many artists have a dual persona - like Childish Gambino to Donald Glover and Roman Zolanski to Nicki Minaj.
I have learned so much in the interim, thank Goddess! When I was Xia in the early aughts, it was a beautiful, wild and hypnotic experience. But I also allowed myself to succumb to craven ego gratification, avarice, pathological rather than fantasy sadism and a full-blown superiority complex. By the end, it was not pretty. The positive I took with me were many things. I learned that real power was not conquering, but embracing and lifting up. I learned that magic was real. I learned how fluid all these binary categories really are.
As I alluded to, I did not exit gracefully from dommehood. I crashed and burned. There was nothing left to do but heal. In picking up the pieces of my life, I felt too close to my own dissolution. I vowed to change my ways. So I gave up trying to be better than others. And I decided to just try to be a good person. I thought life would be boring but safe.
Little did I know that my quiet commitment to this different way of being would open up how miraculous the world really is. Real life is more surreal, exquisite and cosmically expansive than anything you can make up. So my current philosophy is all about the unity consciousness which underlies my newfound love for the world. Transcending the us-versus-them boxes we label everything with. Allying myself with greater inclusivity as the real point of culture.
It's the recognition that we are all, as they say in Thailand, "Same, same. But different." Doing so with a heavy dose of humor, tender-heartedness and lucid awareness. And of course, elevating the eye towards sublime and provocative aesthetics. Imbuing these precious moments with a presence that touches upon the richness and fullness of our sensory-psychic experience. Yes, all the feels!
Ah yes, the crux of my former vocation... I have always played within paradox. This is a topsy-turvy world, and things are rarely as they first seem. Life is flow. Life is play. So in that sense, power exchange is a natural interaction. A means of enlivening by stirring up the energies. But I am no longer interested in projecting power for its own sake or to prove some point. I am less inclined toward performative certainty, or the putting on of any role that doesn't feel authentically me in that moment. At the same time, I think it's become increasingly clear to all that we each carry a multitude within us. So what is consistency, what is expectation, what is the driver of my choice of voice and action? I am more asking, than asserting that I have the answers. I guess you could say I have been deconstructing power exchange. I myself am curious about what that looks like in play. Maybe it looks the same on the surface, maybe not. The experiment is ongoing and en vivo.
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